(paraphrased from another entry)

my lip quivers, heart shivers,
i've been used and misused again
by your deception, my misconceptions.
thought i was full but suddenly i'm starving.
alone and empty once again.
can't take anything for granted.

9 days left.....



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it's only a matter of days now until my eyes finally meet yours, when i can tell you how much i love you, how much you have changed me, saved me, healed me. i was meant for this. to create you, to love you, to take care of you and help you become who you are meant to be. i can't wait to hold and kiss you. you are my miracle, a blessing that i once i thought i'd never have. your life is precious and i will never regret the decision i made to bring you into this world. my choice was always to love you.

i stood there for a moment looking at him. he came over and stood beside me. i reached down slowly and slid my hands around his body. he seemed so used to my hands being there. so i decided i might as well tell him. i wasn’t sure how he’d take it, after all these years; and then he started to smile. i hadn’t expected anything like this. i remembered every little thing i had been missing, i recognized the emptiness that had been my burden, and then he filled with me his love. it was the most familiar feeling, nothing could have ever felt so right.

....so where am i now? alone and empty once again. i thought i was full, and suddenly i’m starving.

can’t take anything for granted.

here i am, still awake when i should have been sleeping hours ago. i hear the geese outside my window. they are a family and they will go together as a family, away from the cold.

my heart hurts. i miss my mother. i miss having her near me. there are too many miles between us and i don't have enough money or time to overcome the distance.

i just need to be comfortable with where i am, forget that anything hurts and rest my weary heart for a while...